I fell into this the other night - I went to bed as my wife stayed up to watch a movie. I was ‘pointing my finger’ at her, wishing if she would just come to bed and pay attention to me then I would feel desirable.
I let that ruminate in my head for a while - WHATEVER!
The truth is: I was feeling tired, I’m not feeling motivated AT ALL! I was getting all pissy in my head believing that if only she would be motivated then I could feel motivated, then I could get in shape, eat better, work better, feel sexier and desirable!! It ended up having very little to do with that moment! It went from come to bed and pay attention to me - all the way to: she’s not motivated and therefore bringing me down!!
Oh ya, this one thought tripped into a whole series of ‘rabbit holes’ of me tracing one thing after another, until the ultimate: “IF only she would change, THEN I would feel better!!”
I hope you can relate AND see the absurdity in it. This is THE most common complaint I hear from clients, friends, family - waiting for the other to change so we can feel better.
Not only is it a very powerless position - waiting for the other to ‘make’ us feel better- it also has very little to do with them!
Whenever we are pointing our finger judging the other, it’s really about our upset with the quality we are judging in them.
When I’m looking at my wife judging her for not making the effort to pay attention to me - it’s really me not having the energy to engage with her!! And, I truly don’t like that in myself. I wish I would have energy to pay attention to her, like I did in the initial dating period.
When I’m looking at my wife judging her for not having motivation, it’s really about me not wanting to see that lack of motivation in myself. It’s like I’m having to look in a mirror. And, the truth is: she’s very motivated and if I’m not feeling the same motivation I can actually sway her to just be chill with me!!!!
I fall into wishing she would coach me, inspire me, give me an umph to get my ass in gear! Yet, it’s not her responsibility it’s mine!