From me to you...
I received a response to the newsletter I sent out a couple of weeks ago that let me know to add a little more in this one.
If you didn't get a chance to read this newsletter, it's right here, in my Blog Page, titled "Getting your needs met in relationship".
Do you feel resentful that you are 'always' meeting their needs and not getting your needs met?
I know this place, it's brutal. AND there is help.
Most people who are givers, typically prioritize other's needs, and at first all the giving serves a purpose, they feel important, like they belong and have value in that position.
The problem is if that is one of the main ways they derive their value, it will blow up at some point.
We givers need to find our value in who we are, not what we do! So, if you can relate with being a giver, and you can be brave and see that part of you that has maybe been feeling important and valuable by what you are doing for others, way to go for noticing!
A disappointment I see fairly often in sessions, specifically if I’m working with someone or a couple that are in an ‘off’ time in their relationship, is having a need met.
Often when people first start to get clear that they have needs and maybe those needs aren’t being met in relationship, it can feel anything from disappointing to completely deregulating. Some people really struggle to identify that they have needs. And then to identify that those needs aren’t being met (because they aren’t even being valued by the person that has them), it can feel like a very tall order to now find a way to get them met.
I recently had a workshop participant reach out asking if there is a roadmap to having needs met. And, that is what prompted this newsletter.
Yes, we can design a road map!
Why venting doesn't work with your friends or lover, and does work with your therapist!
Venting is a behaviour of speaking out all your grievances to someone. Sometimes it may even include speaking about someone else's behaviour with no intent to share with them.
The purpose of venting and why we can feel drawn to want to vent is to 'offload' the anxiety or angst you feel.
By speaking out all the thoughts and sharing your emotions (frustration, disappointment, anger) it can feel like you are lightening your load.
In reality when you vent with friends or family they aren't in a position to just let you spew your thoughts on the table and hang out to see what you do with them.
More often than not friends and family (with good intention) will do 1 of 2 behaviours:
What I have experienced in my own personal growth journey and by witnessing hundreds of clients in their journeys is:
Personal growth is about coming into
a deeper relationship with yourself.
It’s about embracing what is, and continuing to embrace what comes next.
I’ve experienced and witnessed myself and people making things/parts about themselves bad or wrong. Wishing that they would behave differently, feel differently and be differently. Making the negative behaviours, thoughts, beliefs something to worry about, fear, or cast away.
What I’m learning is it doesn’t seem to work that way. We can’t just cut off from the negative things. We actually need to lean into them, learn from them and embrace them.
Take negative emotions for example - Sadness. Many people (myself included), feel a level of concern when they feel sad. Often people brace from their feelings, try to fix them, or shift their thoughts and actions so they don’t...
You’ve worked all day, taken care of other’s needs, demands, problems and often on another person’s timeline, now what?
Go home, make dinner and what?
Do you ever find yourself done, and just wanting to flake and do nothing? I’ve found myself in that rutt for months now. I call it a rutt because after months of basically flaking at the end of my days I feel funky. I feel like I could be doing more, I just am not.
How many of you feel like that? (Reply to this email to let me know if you can relate).
How does one ‘break out’ of this habit?
I believe there are two main tracks:
1. Get real about what sorts of things you want to be doing at night, activities, to do lists that need to get tackled and people to connect with.
2. OR...Tonight when you get home, sit on the couch. Have a cup of tea as your first thing (or change into comfy clothes, then tea). Next…if you have a...
Have you ever noticed how often people will speak from a 'we' or 'you' perspective vs. 'I'.
You are standing with your friend, who's pissed about work, and they say, "You know when you just can't take it anymore? You know that place where you just wanna punch your boss in the face 'cause they just don't get it?"
Know what I mean? When the other person is talking to YOU, AND using the word YOU instead of using the word 'I'!!
How that should sound: "I just can't take it anymore, I want to punch my boss in the face 'cause they just won't get it! Do you ever feel like that?"
I've come to see this behaviour as distancing from one's opinion and feelings.
I see it frequently in my office and it's always seemed a bit off and alarming to me when someone is talking about their personal experience and using the word "you". It's like they are needing my 'buy in', my colluding in order to feel ok expressing what they are saying.
In fact, it's SO common, I'm...
Whether you view Christmas dinner as a time for catching up and deepening conversations, or it's the dreaded interrogation, it's always a good idea to prepare yourself ahead of time.
Let's start with the ones that you can't wait to gather with again in your family. Have you ever walked away from a great time connecting and suddenly realize that you had slipped back into the 'comedian', 'people-pleaser' or 'know it all'? Maybe you shake your head wondering how come you've just said a bunch of jokes that outside of that setting would have you cringing.
When we step back into our family systems, even as grown adults, we can end up sliding back into a 'preferred role' that we are accustomed to playing out in that family/group of people. And, unless we are aware of it, we will automatically 'transform' back into that role.
To prevent that from happening, you first need to identify what your experience is - in and out of your family system. Typical...
What do you do when you are pointing your finger at your partner believing if they could just_______ , then you could feel_______?
Ever find yourself wishing things like:
Notice how we can insert anything into the blanks?
"If only YOU would _______, then I could feel _______."
Believing if only they change their way, then everything would be better.
I fell into this the other night - I went to bed as my wife stayed up to watch a movie. I was ‘pointing my finger’ at her, wishing if she would just come to bed and pay attention to me then I would feel desirable.
I let that ruminate in my head for a while - WHATEVER!
The truth is: I was feeling tired,...
What is this giant game of life all about anyway? I’ve been deep diving into my hidden closets and I keep coming up with that question...
What is this all for?
Why do I get out of bed in the morning? Why do I do what I do? Why am I in the relationships I’m in?
Do you find yourself asking similar questions?
If so…I feel you my friend! It’s not an easy place to be, asking and wondering, wtf?
AND….I hope you feel me on this one: I’d rather wonder this any day, than just float through life and do what “I’m supposed to do”!!!
Wondering what it’s all for is a painful place because the answers are not quick to resolve. It isn’t a quick check within and you have a new agenda and itinerary for your life.
Nope, in fact it’s layered, it’s complicated and at the same time so ridiculously simple, it’s painful.
Through my deep dives and pain, I have continually come back to one constant: ...
When I’m not grounded, when I’m feeling even slightly unsettled my natural instinct is to look to others to see how they’re doing. Because if they’re good then that means I’m good.
This tendency to look to others to establish how one is feeling is very common, particularly for women in our North American society. Sadly, it’s part of the conditioning as a whole for women, and I’m grateful for the opportunity to help bring awareness to this along with other thought leaders like Glennon Doyle, Rachel Hollis, Marie Forleo, Oprah, etc.
As you know by now, my expertise comes from my experimental playground of my life and my relationships and lessons learned from helping clients break through patterns. It’s so much easier to see it in others isn’t it?
So, onto my lesson, which did occurred a while ago and is definitely worth re-sharing:
My wife and I are walking through our neighborhood woods enjoying the day. I keep loosing my...