I’ve come to realize that I’m pretty sure a part of me is running away from my awakening. I feel called, pulled, driven and even desire to shed this old skin of conditions, beliefs and way of operating in this world.
I feel the calling. I want to see clearly. I want to release my ‘need’ for external validation. I want to release my niggling insecurities and self doubt. I see the possibility, I believe if I take steps to embrace what is right ‘in front of me’, then I can release.
I step forward and run backwards. I journey, feel a deeper connection with my Self, I do my therapy and catch my thoughts and meditate. I feel…closer, I feel and believe.
I drink wine instead of continuing. I watch Netflix for hours. I numb.
This push pull of awakening has become my own version of hell, and yet I can’t let go.
I’m noticing this dichotomy of right / wrong, good / bad, godly / not godly. This place of fence sitting, non-committal. Of one step forward in service of me, and 10 steps back numbing me.
I’ve come to realize that perhaps there are lessons in this self-created hell on earth. That perhaps there isn’t right / wrong, good / bad and godly / not godly. There just IS.
There is a place of living that exists in the microscopic moments. In noticing the natural beauty that surrounds us. In connecting with people we love. In extending love to others. In the PRESENT.
Living in the present seems to be the way out of that dichotomy hell I have created.
Perhaps it’s not steps forward or backwards, it just IS.
Midlife, it offers us options. Opportunities to look within. To question. To learn to BE.
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