Am I an asshole???


WOW OH WOW! A couples months ago I was surprised to acknowledge this part of me:

On my drive into work I noticed that part of me that I judge as the 'asshole', as I was driving, I would even say to myself, don’t be an asshole and drive around people too fast in the snow!

Then I arrive, to walk past two, what I can just guess to be homeless men, sleeping in their sleeping bags in the vestibule beside the parkade elevator. I’m not sure how they got in there, and that doesn’t matter. What matters is as I walked by they didn’t give me any ill feeling. I could have easily said, guys time to move along, I’m sorry you are without a place to sleep. Or something to at least address them. Nope, instead I started composing an email to the property managers to get someone down here to get them out!

As I get closer to my office, there's water on the floor, looking like a water leak through the utility panel. I then stopped composing the email, got the emergency number and called. By the time I reported it all I was irritated, even pissed! I’m about to take a client call and here I am having to manage a building that I pay a lot of money in my lease to be managed. Where are the caretakers?

I then called Linda (my wife) to vent, I started the conversation with "Babe, can I just vent?" She said yes, I then just started sharing my upset over having to make phone calls and deal with things that weren’t on my agenda. As I’m speaking to her I catch my words. I catch this person I’ve turned into.

I’m complaining that I need to call someone to take care of matters. When here I just walked by two human beings that have no warm place to sleep and I have the audacity to think I’m the one put out! I’m saddened with my attitude, I’m sickened by this lack of respect for another human being from myself!

How dare I?

And also, to find a place of compassion that this is what is up for me to heal. To find my humanity in all of this. How can I see another person’s humanity if I discount my own?

So, my intent?

To keep noticing the ‘asshole’, and be curious.
What is happening when I place myself higher than another person?
Who is this side of me, and why is it triggered?
What do I need in this space?

The gift in these moments is to lean into the discomfort of confronting yourself and get curious. Beating yourself up will only make matters worse. Acknowledge what you are noticing, and get curious as to what might be driving the behaviour.

(What I discovered for myself underneath my inner asshole, is my inability to sit in my anger. So as I avoid anger, I perpetuate the experience of it as it simmers under the surface).

Let me know what you find for yourself!!!

With love,

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