Getting your needs met in relationship

A Roadmap to Getting
YOUR Needs Met

A disappointment I see fairly often in sessions, specifically if I’m working with someone or a couple that are in an ‘off’ time in their relationship, is having a need met.

Often when people first start to get clear that they have needs and maybe those needs aren’t being met in relationship, it can feel anything from disappointing to completely deregulating. Some people really struggle to identify that they have needs. And then to identify that those needs aren’t being met (because they aren’t even being valued by the person that has them), it can feel like a very tall order to now find a way to get them met.

I recently had a workshop participant reach out asking if there is a roadmap to having needs met. And, that is what prompted this newsletter.

Yes, we can design a road map!

  1. Identify your own need! If you don’t know your need, check this out:
    Do You Ever Wonder from my Blog Page. 
  2. Get very clear as to how can you specifically meet your own need. ie. If you are noticing you are feeling lack of connection and you know you want to connect, then identify HOW will you feel connected. It’s different for everyone and dependent on your mood. Perhaps connection for you is through play, quality time doing something together, or through love making or deep sharing. Determine how YOU want to feel connection and with who.
  3. Once you know HOW and WHO, next is asking for what you want. This where A LOT of people mess up! MOST people will hint at their person as to what they are hoping for. Or, will start to initiate and then almost test to see if they are going to be met half way.
    • DON’T do that! Flat out ask for what you want! ie. "Hey babe, I’m noticing I’m feeling distant from you right now, what would really work for me is if we can set aside some time to just talk, share how we are doing lately without distractions."
      OR..."Hey babe, I’m noticing I’m feeling a bit separate from you and I’m missing us making out, and holding each other, would tonight be an ok time to just work towards cuddling, maybe holding each other naked and just see what happens?"
  4. IF they say no, then ask, is it the timing or are you not wanting to (insert what you asked for). Make sure you find out how come they are saying no, don’t take a facial expression, or a verbal grunt or even a no as anything other than what it actually is, and you won’t know until you ask.
  5. IF they can’t meet your need, then meet it for yourself. Connect with a friend, self care, if you’re missing sex, self pleasure. And, always circle back to see if you can try again another time.

Most people test the waters, hint and half attempt, and when they sense any rejection they back off. If you can’t ask for your need to be met, you can’t expect your partner to read your mind. Just ask.

IF you continually face rejection, that is information. And you deserve support around that, so please reach out. It might be the approach and it might be your partner. So, further exploration is warranted.

With love,

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